Yet Another Thing to Hate About Computers

Let’s play a game. Everyone think of something that really bugs you about computers and shout it out loud. I hear rants about auto-formatting, random crashes, the blue screen of death and slow start-up time. Some of you will cite pop-up ads and viruses, or the whole “should have saved more often” diatribe. Others will gripe that spell checkers are useless, and that memory keys have a way of becoming lost more often than car keys. I sympathize. And I have a new reason to despise our electronic side-kicks.

Computers don’t swear. How did I come across this new knowledge? What has led me to believe that my machine is a big ole’ prude? Presently, I’m in the process of dictating a bunch of stories into the word processor, using a magical piece of software that “understands” English and converts my squeaky recitations into printable documents. For the most part, it works, and I’ve managed to save myself from carpal tunnel hell.

However, it seems to have no knowledge of profanity, and being the saucy lass that I am, I need a few choice expletives in order to express myself in writing. I’ve typed them in manually, and repeatedly “trained” the software to respond to my voice when I say them. The computer stubbornly refuses to acknowledge. It will accept words like “Churros” and “Geisha” and “Gloopy”, but puts its fingers in its ears as soon as I tell it to type anything of the four-letter variety. This, in turn, makes me yell even more disgusting things into the microphone. The computer then warps them into acceptable, but inaccurate phrases.

I’m not stupid or naïve. I know computers don’t feel or think at all, which makes the not swearing part seem pretty reasonable. However, mine doesn’t want me to swear either, and if I’m to avoid picking it up and using it as a tennis racket every time something frustrates me, I need a machine that tolerates and supports my potty-mouth. If anyone at Microsoft is listening…